It Is Ok NOT To Share

This article is written by Maha Ghazale, a Play Therapist, a Circle of Security Parenting Facilitator and an Autplay Therapy provider ( specialized in Autism and Other developmental disabilities). Maha uses play as a therapeutic method to help kids with emotional and behavioral difficulties reach their inner potential. She also offers sessions for parents to help them learn new ways to connect with their children. You can follow her on Instagram at:  https://www.instagram.com/mahaghazale/

“Sharing is caring”. We generally hear ourselves say it when children fight over toys, food, or anything that sparks their attention or interest, but bear with me as I challenge this belief and say: It is ok NOT to share. 
Sharing things fall under the category of generosity- and I am all about nurturing it- However, the way we approach sharing is generally misleading. 
As a positive parenting advocate and a child therapist when a child is immersed in their play and forced to share, this child’s play is interrupted, and he or she are forced to give something up. The child is learning that sharing is annoying, and generally an unpleasant thing to do. When we impose sharing, the parents are the ones sharing, and not the child.

Imagine this scenario:
You are engaged in an art project. Suddenly someone comes up to you and asks to take the project from you and, therefore, disrupt your creativity, curiosity, and interest. How would it make you feel? 

It is our job to teach children about limits regarding other people’s space and to teach them patience when it comes to waiting for their turn. Let the child keep a toy until he is “all done.” 

Turn-taking ultimately is sharing. The key is that its child-directed turn-taking.: Instead of setting a time limit on using the toy, teach your child to use the following words: “I’ll give it to you when I am done.”
For the waiting child, this can be frustrating triggering few tears, or meltdowns- Do not let this discourage you, instead: 

Acknowledge: “I know you wanted this toy now.”

Communicate: 

• “Oh, I know it’s hard to wait.”
• “I understand/feel your frustration, or
• “You can be mad, but I can’t let you take it until X is all done.”

– Target: “You can choose another toy until X is done playing.”

It is our job to help children learn how to control behavior and feel safe to express intense feelings as we direct them towards ways to work through those emotions. 

Like any skill, the more practice the child gets, the more they will be able to master impulse control.